Feeling little & Feeling strong

I don’t have to prove anything to anyone, I only have to follow my heart and concentrate on what I want to say to the world. I run my world” - Queen Beyonce telling us all to just ‘bey ourselves’

The end of a 4 conference-run (and 4 straight weekends of being out of town) feels like coming off a big high of inspiration, ideas, and momentum. But from tall heights, there are great falls. In the figurative sense, the sudden change of emotional trajectory is jarring and I often experience it as soon as insecurities start seeping in. In the literal sense, this happened (note: ironically I got hospitalized AFTER drafting up this post)

Long story short - I’m feeling physically much better, but professionally, a bit lost.

For example:

“Wow! I’m going to get more involved in leadership! I wanna be a boss like all of these people!”

I’m shy. I’m not a go-getter. I don’t have much to add to the conversation. I’ll stay put.

“Ohmygosh! I’m going to get started on these projects right away! I have great ideas!”

I’m a small fish in the ocean. I don’t think anyone will hear me out. I’ll keep to myself.

“I want to speak more! I’ve got so much information to share! I can make awesome presentations!”

I don’t have enough experience to merit speaking engagements. I’ll wait around.

The irony is that while I’m clearly blogging and sharing my feelings about life as a maxillofacial prosthodontist, the honest truth is that in spite of all of this, I still am and still get super, super insecure.

In writing the previous scenarios (which are a pretty accurate description of the highs and lows inside my mind), I can objectively see that there are a lot of falsehoods and assumptions. But, most of all, there is a lot of self-protection.

It is both a skill and mechanism that is subconscious and fairly-automatic. And for me, well-honed and developed over many years.

Self-protection has certainly assisted me on the path of becoming a maxillofacial prosthodontist. In the journey of getting through pre-requisites, applying to schools and programs, and going through many board exams, having mental toughness and fortitude are essential. I picked up those assets through the guise of self -protection - I stayed within the parameters of my perceived knowledge and skill. I stuck to things that I could predict the outcomes, where I knew that success was the assured result.

But in doing so, I unwittingly made myself adverse and anxious of the vulnerability of the unknown. I find myself self-imposing limits, and hesitating instead of executing ideas, actions, and goals.

I’d like to take credit for this grandiose epiphanous philosophy, but this reflection comes from the many, many self-help books and professional therapy. And the truth is, is that even though I’m conscious of what self-protection is and how it affects me, the comfort and ease of staying complacent is tempting.

It comes as a total dichotomy that I have this personal struggle of self-imposed limitation yet my professional aspirations seek innovation, creativity, and experimentation to go beyond the known.

I share these thoughts because, even though I feel proud of the things I’ve achieved and accomplished, many times I actually feel quite small. I’m still trying to figure things out - what kind of maxillofacial prosthodontist I want to be, how I can change and improve patient experiences and care, where I want or need to be.

For now, as I’ve told myself before, I have to try my best. Even with not being the “version” of myself that I want to be, it’ll be alright and I’ll be alright.

This post’s lesson: Sleeping on your own bed is some of the best medicine ever